The Wizards of Us
by Leminkain
Summary: A HUGE crossover with Harry Potter, Star Wars, Hitchhiker's Guide, LoTR, DBZ, Lion King, Pokemon, Naruto, Dragon Heart, and probably several others. Eve, Bastet, and Sekhmet belong to us, nothing else. Crowley & Scott Skyner. Chapter 7 Up!
1. Introduction

The Wizards of US

From the Minds of:

Scott Skyner & Crowley

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... Dumbledore ate poisoned lemon drops! But not before giving them to all the other Hogwarts teachers. Snape, who was behind all this, was the only survivor of the original school staff. Now, because there were no teachers, no headmaster, and only two weeks from the first day of school, the Ministry of Magic randomly hired teachers from other worlds.

These teachers included some of the elites from the Hidden Leaf Village, Middle Earth, the Outer Rim, the Pride Lands, and Japan. Now dive in with us as we tell you the whirlwind of the story of the plot of the tale. Did we lose you? That's okay, now you're just as confused as we are!


	2. Chapter 1

"What do you mean they're all dead!?" Cornelius Fudge yelled at Hagrid.

"Aye, sir, I'm very sorry," He wiped a tear from his eyes. He had been cutting onions to make food for his newest pet, Pikachu. The three, including Pikachu who was eagerly waiting for his onions, were standing in Hagrid's hut.

Fudge sighed, "We're going to have to hire more teachers," He sighed again, "This is going to cut deep into our budget!" He began to cry a little. He had planned on buying a new flying carpet for his daughter's sixteenth birthday.

"I know who would be absolutely perfect for the Charms position!" Hagrid said suddenly, "The little green feller that's been helping me with my speech! His name is Master Yoda."

"Great! And I know who could fill in for the old man Dumbledore. He's a great friend in a place called Middle Earth. Gandalf's his name... But I'm afraid he might bring some of those... midgets with him..." Fudge said with near disgust. Hagrid shook his head at the idea of people even smaller than normal. "There's also these.. I think they call themselves ninjas... in country whose army is based off of them. They use magic, just in a different form from us. I'll see if I can find their address in the Yellow Pages."

Hagrid then remembered more possible teachers, "OH! There's this place that I love to go to, it's called Pride Rock. I brought several pets from there, you remember the talking hyenas? Well, there's a sage there who'd be perfect for Potions." Fudge nodded and smiled, maybe they'd get the teachers they needed in time and not have to delay the term!

"Do you know anyone who could fill in the other forty-two positions?" Fudge asked, but Hagrid only shook his head, deep in thought, "Well then, let's put in some ads in the classified section of the newspaper." Hagrid nodded in approval while Pikachu began to attack Fang, who had eaten his onions.


	3. Chapter 2

"AH!" Gandalf the White yelled as an owl threw a heavy parchment envelope at his head. "Get back here you villain!" He bellowed and swung his staff at the owl who had begun to fly away in fear. When the owl-threat was extinguished, he looked at the envelope, which had the large seal of the Ministry of Magic on it.

"Darn you, Fudge, always attacking me with owls..." He mumbled as he ripped open the brown cover separating him from the three papers from the magical world of Great Britain. He read the first letter with vigor and interest when he found that the Hogwarts teachers were dead or... missing. When he finished that piece of parchment, he moved on to the next, inviting him as headmaster of Hogwarts. He jumped for joy, hitting his head on the ceiling of the tiny hobbit-house.

"What's wrong?" Merry asked when he heard the colossal thump, "Oh, for goodness' sake, Gandalf, that's the fifth time today!"

"Ah, but this time I have reason, short one," Gandalf explained himself, "I just found Dumbledore is dead, and now I never have to wait at the barber's ever again! Not to mention I get his job!" He exclaimed with happiness.

"Great," Pippin yawned as he walked in the door, "Now we have no old man to mess around with when they fall asleep from the ale..."

"Oh," Gandalf said, "You can mess with all the old people you want, because you're coming with me!" He didn't realize that Minister Fudge had already written in the third note that no 'short little midgets' were allowed on the Knight Bus. Merry and Pippin smiled and ran off to pack their things, including vegetables from the nearly by farm and a sack of unidentified pipe-weed as Gandalf, with a twist of his staff, summoned most of his belongings in large, unnecessary bags. They heard the honk of the Knight Bus outside and ran out to get in. They didn't realize that Gollum had sneaked in after eavesdropping on all of them. He smiled as he climbed into the top of the three-story bus.

Meanwhile...

The swamp of the Dagobah System looked as beautiful as ever as Yoda walked about his make-shift home. As he walked about his wonderful garden he saw an owl that had died from lack of oxygen. It's talons were clutched around a envelope.

"Poor, poor thing," Yoda said as he ripped the letter from the owl and kicked the bird into the nearest pond. "Let's see what you died for." He opened the note. He read it, humming as he did so. He laughed at the thought of teaching Charms to students, forty-two at a time. He began to wonder how he would get to Earth were his speech student lived. He had already given away the X-Wing, How ever would he solve this problem. Then he saw a rowboat in the pond, and there sat Hagrid, humming 'Don't Rock The Boat'.

"Come on!" He called to Yoda, "I'll take you there! Wait a second, where's the owl?"

Yoda looked at him with guilt and said, "Hmm... I never saw an owl."

"Then how'd you get that letter?"

"The ways of the Force are mysterious, my Half-Wookie Friend."

"Oh. Okay. Pack you things, we have to hurry." Hagrid said. Yoda nodded and got only three bags and his lightsaber. He hopped in the boat, which flew in the air, blasting off again. You know... From Team Rocket...

Meanwhile... again...

"Get away you piece of rhino poop!" Rafiki yelled, his giant baboon butt sticking out in the savanna air. He swung constantly at an owl who wouldn't give him a letter with his name on it. Soon, the melons on the end of his stick hit the owl hard enough on the head to knock it out cold. Rafiki grabbed the letter and looked at it with confusion, "BAH! Don't these wizards realize I can't read English!? I'm African for Mufasa's sake!" He jumped out of his tree and knocked on the ground with his staff. A gopher popped up seconds later.

"Reporting for duty, sir!" The gopher saluted the monkey.

"Could you get that bird with the British accent for me?" Rafiki requested "What's his name... Zazu the Banana-Beak! That's the one. I need him here now."

"Yes, sir!" The gopher said as he popped back into the hole.

After about thirty minutes, Zazu flew to the monkey-sage, "You needed me, Rafiki?"

"Yes, Banana-Beak, I need you to read this for me. Those hyena-butted wizards from England wrote me a letter in English!"

"Oh. How can you tell they're wizards?" Zazu inquired with suspicion.

Rafiki whacked the bird on the head, "Don't be such a poultry-head! I can recognize that seal well enough!"

"Ow!" He yelped, "For that, you need to give me something in return, now!"

"Oh..." Rafiki said in deep thought, "I'll get that pig, rodent, and those little lions out of your... feathers for a while." Zazu smiled with glee and read the letter with haste. After about forty-two minutes, Zazu finished reading.

"All the warthog teachers are dead and they need new ones, so you've been asked to teach the Potions class." Zazu reported.

"It's _Hogwarts_, you long-beaked-feathered-freak!" Rafiki exclaimed, "Not warthog! But this is good news! Now I can teach more little hairless humans how to make REAL potions! Ones that you can only learn in the Pride Lands!" He began to dance around the tree, then jumped into it. "Asante sana! Squash Banana! We we nugu! Mi mi apana!" He sang as he packed his things, "Okay! Time to get the lions and pigs and rodents! Oh, my!" With that, he ran off to get Simba, Nala, Timone, and Pumba. After he got them, they found a boat to England by the shore. 


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Hmmm... Interesting," Piccolo stared down and out into the world with boredom. He was standing on the edge of Kami's Tower. Then an owl hit him in the face.

Piccolo yelped in fury and grabbed the bird and began to strangle it. But when he saw a letter, wrinkled by the feathered beast's struggle for air, he stopped. He threw the owl to the ground and opened the letter. He began to read:

"To the Hokage of Konohanakure-"

Piccolo burst out laughing, "Who gives their city an absurd name like that!?" He giggled to himself, "What an idiotic word! And Hokage!? What the heck!?" Still laughing, the green man continued reading:

"To the Hokage of Konohanakure,

We here at Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry-" Piccolo snickered at yet another ridiculous name, "are short of instructors. We need your help, and possibly the help of two of your ninjas, Gai Might and Kakashi Hatake-" "Yet another," he scoffed. "We hope the three of you could fill in for some of the teaching positions. Preferably, we would have Kakashi teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, Gai would teach Transfiguration. And you, Hokage, could teach Divination. Please think about our offer.

Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic."

Piccolo found that in his interest in the letter, he began to pace and stepped on the owl. He decided to just let this Hokage receive the letter. The Namekian plucked the owl from under his foot and gave the bird the letter. It flew away to the place with the funny name and Piccolo jumped off the tower. He took flight in a decision to go to Hogwarts.

Meanwhile...

"I think you should be aware of the fact that this is most depressing"

Marvin's comments were the same wherever they ended up, and so by now Colin was becoming less and less excited about them. He himself was completely happy about every new challenge life (or rather... existence... hard to tell with robots...) presented them.

Right now, Marvin, the depressed robot with a brain the size of a planet, and Colin, the soaring metal ball with a chip that forced him to be happy, were stranded on a planet that happened to be exactly the opposite of the one they had just left in a hurry. Although that one, too, had been horribly awful in Marvin's eyes and absolutely fantastic in Colin's. Any neutral observer would probably have liked it: a pleasant temperature of 1764 Knutz, a warm breeze, and the light of two close-by suns shining down on a fluffy neon orange substance that covered the surface of the entire planet.

Pretty nice, really.

The one problem was that they had been with Zaphod Beeblebrox. Former president of the galaxy, owner of three arms and two heads (although the number of _brains _was undefined), and most of all a magnet for trouble.

And so Zaphod and the two robots had been chased by Vogones _once again, _and Marvin was forced to do things that deeply insulted his dignity _once again _and even Colin was not too enthusiastic when they were hurrying over the orange... stuff... in the direction of the Heart of Gold. And of course, the Improbability Drive had screwed up _once again _and the two robots were safe but alone and lost _once again _with no clue where, when, or in which universe they had stranded.

And it was raining. They had to be in Britain.

"That stupid board computer wouldn't even be able to peel a banana" said Marvin, giving a good impression of what it would sound like if robots could grumble, while Colin was already hovering around with a satisfied buzzing noise that made Marvin sick.

The smaller droid enjoyed the wonderful weather. He had spotted an amazing lake that he couldn't wait to see up close. Drawn by its slimy, dark, and dirty beauty, he buzzed closer until he was just above the surface. He was pleasantly surprised when when suddenly a giant arm broke through the water and pulled him down.

As the squid pulled him deeper and deeper, Colin happily tried to think of a way to make this situation even better. His devices would not work for a long time underwater, and although death would doubtlessly be an awesome and unique experience – his thoughts were interrupted when the squid's arm that had been holding him was bit off by a big shark.

Colin stayed just long enough to hear the shark say "Robots are friends, not food", then he was at the surface again and, determined to look for something even more terrific, made his way to the shore. Where he found Marvin engaged in a conversation with a big, hairy humanoid.

"I have no idea who or what you are, sir, but since you are on school grounds already – would you be interested in a position as a Hogwarts teacher for History of Magic?"

"That sounds terrible."

"Fine", said Hagrid, beaming from ear to ear. He hadn't even been listening. "You're hired." The he turned to Colin who was soaring up and down eagerly to get attention. "And you, sir, would you like to teach Runes?" Colin gave a cheerful whistle of agreement and then flew off to examine a creature that seemed to be a big yellow mouse.

It was eating onions.

Meanwhile... you should be used to it by now...

"Where's the rum!?" Jack Sparrow said. He then frowned at the narrator, "Okay, Crowley, It's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow." Fine. From the top:

--- --- ---

"Where's the rum!?" _Captain_ Jack Sparrow called out on the deck, "Why is it gone? Why is the rum always gone!?" He sat on a barrel, pouting about the lack of liquor. He peered out into the sea, but the only thing visible was the fog. He stood when he heard voices, but not the voices of his crew, "Oh, com'on!" He whined, "Not another ghost! I had to deal with that freak Davey Jones already!" He looked overboard and saw the silhouettes of two people, one with an enormous head and the other was just... enormous. There was a floating orb chasing a strange large mouse-like creature with a weird tail. This was a new one on Jack.

"Never mind, I've had enough rum already..." He concluded, "How can there be people standing on the ocean?"

Then, as the fog cleared he saw the his beloved Black Pearl was stranded in a rather large lake. He jumped from the ship and began to swim to these people. He found that the one with the large head was not a person at all, but some kind of strange armor. He saw a large ball of metal chasing the creature form before. He found it was yellow with dark brown stripes and red cheeks with an onion.

"Oh, why must I be a teacher?" The armor sighed depressingly.

"This is just lovely," Jack complained, climbing out of the water, "My ship's stuck in a lake, and I'm stuck with a huge man, a talking set of armor and a flying cannonball chasing a big stupid mouse with an onion fetish."

"PI... KA...CHUUUUUUUU!" The mouse screamed as a flash of lightning hit the flying metal orb.

"Ow." it said. Then in an instant, it stopped, "I can speak? I CAN SPEAK! I CAN SPEAK! MARVIN! I CAN SPEAK!" It squealed, going on and on about how wonderful it was that he could speak.

"How disgusting." Marvin replied with a taste of boredom in his voice. But all attention was drawn to Jack as he passed out from too much rum.

Meanwhile... who would've guessed?

Gandalf slapped his forehead, "Oops! I did it again!" He exclaimed. He had opened three portals instead of the only one. He only wanted to bring two friends he made when he had traveled back in time to Egypt. But he had not only brought Sekhmet and Bastet, but he brought an drunken pirate, and two strange creatures that would seem weird in even Middle Earth. Gandalf laughed when he realized that the large boat was in the lake. He chuckled again when he saw that one of the awkward creatures, a sloth-looking thing, was sitting on the orb that had been attacked by Hagrid's beloved Pikachu. Colin was still talking as if the world couldn't be better, and in his point of view, it couldn't.

"Hagrid, my giant friend," The new headmaster asked, "Would you mind taking this man to the hospital wing?" He watched as Hagrid picked him up, "And don't worry, we just got our nurse."

He watched as two women walked out of the last portal. It was Sekhmet and Bastet. They were wearing white Egyptian silk dresses. They both had the ears, paws, nose, and tail of cats. Bastet was covered in black fur, with the exception of her nose, which was still the basic light pink. Her human hair was black and pulled back into a pony-tail, held up by a golden ring. Her blue eyes stood out most about her appearance Sekhmet's blond hair was braided in thin strands and tied at the end with tiny golden rings. Her fur was the sandy color of the Sahara, yet lighter than the human-like hair. Her golden eyes were as fierce as a warriors, yet as soft as a maiden's. In her hand, there was a golden rod that was the full length of her body, tail included. It was simple, except for the top, where a figure of a winged ankh, winged spread wide, as if absorbing the falling rain. As it poured, their fur became wet. They were the visions of beauty on their own.

That is, until they saw Pikachu. Instantly, Bastet's quirky personality came out with force as she chased after the large yellow mouse-thing. Sekhmet, trying to calm her, chased the black cat goddess around, until she finally tackled her. Bastet yowled in protest as her sister pinned her down. Any man seeing this would have fainted form happiness.

"I WANT THAT MOUSE!" She yelled. Gandalf saw this and fell to the ground, laughing.

"You aren't going to embarrass me here too!" Sekhmet screamed in Bastet's ear, "Not now!"

Gandalf, still giggling from amusement, tried to stand, but failed miserably, "Girls!" He said, barely able to talk because of his outbursts, "Stop... Haha! ... fighting!" As soon as the two goddesses heard him, they stopped dead in their tracks.

"GRANDPA GANDALF!" They squealed like little schoolgirls as they ran over to their mentor in magic, "We were wondering why we were in the wizard world!" Bastet was jumping up and down and Sekhmet, the only one of the two with the ability to stay still, helped the old wizard to his feet. Her eyes showed affection for her father-figure.

"Wow..." Marvin mumbled, "That was eight W-words in one sentence... How dreadful."

"I love it!" Colin called, curious of the cats (...), "W is my favorite letter in the world! It's so special-meshal!"

"Colin, you horrid creature," Marvin replied, trying to bring his up-beat robotic friend down, "Every letter is your favorite letter. Stupid." All this time, Bastet had not noticed the flying metal sphere and the strange white suit of armor with a large head. Now that she saw them, she decided to get a closer look. As she slipped out of her sister's view, she tripped on a small round object. She cursed under her breath in Egyptian when she found her sister had seen her in her graceful descent to the ground.

Sekhmet sighed, "Just because Gandalf and I are the only ones who understand you, doesn't mean that you can tell anyone to let flies rest in their armpits..."

"Yes, sir!" Bastet mocked, looked at the acorn that caused her to trip, "This thing, whatever it is, doesn't even have armpits." Then she saw some strange mutant squirrel-thing pick the acorn and hiss at her, "And I think this thing as _made_ of armpits! It smells worse that Anubis' unwashed, undead underpants!"

Sekhmet, disbelieving her sister's observations, walked over to the strange... creature. She instantly jumped back from the stench. But it wasn't the squirrel, it was the sloth-like animal from before.

"Hello, ladies!" It said, as if trying to seduce them, "Have you seen my friend? He's got a big head and is upset all the time. Have any idea where he is?" At that moment, everyone, Pikachu included, looked at Marvin, who stood there, depressingly unaware of what the others were thinking.

"Is it that freak?" Bastet asked as nicely as possible. She pointed to the large head of the robotic teacher.

"Naw, sister!" The... thing replied, "He's a mammoth. You know, big tusks, big hair, big ears, fat... ugly... mean... And just about the best friend possible!"

"He's your only friend, isn't he?" Sekhmet said, eyeing the sloth suspiciously.

"Naw, siste-"

"Call either of us 'sister' one more time, see what happens!" Bastet hissed.

"Whoa there, si... girl." It backed away, "Take a chill pill!"

"Just tell us your name, you're confusing the readers because no one knows if you're a boy or girl..." Gandalf stated, "It makes it easier on them..."

"Oh, Sid! My name's Sid. That little guy there is Scrat," Sid replied, "And there's readers?"

All the sudden, a space ship landed and Darth Vader stepped out.

"Where's Sid?" He called to the unique characters of the story, "I have instruction from the authors to torture him!" And, in one simultaneous movement, everyone pointed to the sloth, Darth Vader laughed and used the force to fling him in the air, "Scott and Crowley are contemplating erasing you from the story, maggot."

"Wh... wh... Why..?" Sid said, still being choked in the air.

"You said they lack readers!" The Sith said holding Sid with a tight grip with the force, "They know they have at least twelve! The force is strong with them, this story shall prevail!" With that, he released his grip and walked back into the spaceship and took off.

"That was dreadful," Marvin said, breaking the dead silence, "What a terrible guy."

"Indeed, anyway, we need to go inside before I get all soggy," Gandalf said, walking to the Hogwarts castle. He lit his staff, giving off about half as much light as a dead glowworm.


	5. Chapter 4

Sorry for the long, long, LONG absence... We don't know why we stopped either but we're back!

The long delayed:  
Chapter 4

Tsunade cringed as a rather fat, raggedy owl slammed into the rather large and, now dirty, window behind her. She cursed in Japanese as she spilled her sake all over her brand new Hokage robes. They had finally paid off all her debts so that they could get these robes and now they were covered in sake! She slowly turned around and saw the owl.

"Sakura! Come here!" She called to her apprentice, who came running in eagerly, "Get that owl." She pointed to the one that was slowly sliding off the glass. "Yes, Tsunade-sensei!"

She ran out of the door way. And seconds later another slam at the window could only mean one thing:

The birds are stupid today, or Naruto's here.

"GRANNY TSUNADE!" Naruto yelled through the glass, "Do I have a mission today!?" He screamed.

"No. Idiot." Tsunade replied quickly.

When Sakura reached the window, she punched Naruto off, grabbed the owl, and returned quickly. When she handed the letter to Tsunade, the old woman grabbed it quickly. She ripped the letter out of the envelope. She read it with haste and looked up at Sakura.

"Hurry. Get Kakashi Hatake, Gai Might, Naruto Uzumaki, and Kiba Inuzuka. I have a mission." Tsunade began to smile the smile that only meant trouble "We're all going on a little trip..."

One Week Later...

Draco woke up when a bird landed on his tail. He saw it and instantly decided the rather fat, raggedy owl's fate. He slammed his tail into a tree, killed the bird, and swallowed it.

However, he noticed there was something stuck in his teeth. He picked it out with his sharp claw. His eye widened as he saw who had signed this piece of paper. Hagrid.

The name really stood out, but mainly because it was the only word not smudged by his saliva. Other than Hogwarts. He knew where his father was now! ... At least his figurative father. He made the quick decision. He took flight into the night sky, but not before hitting his head on the tree that he had slammed his tail into.

One Day Later...

On the way to Great Britain, the ninjas had lost the owl they were following. But in it's place a very nice dragon guided them to Hogwarts. His name was Draco and he was on his way to find his father. They landed on the school grounds on a cloudy day. The first thing they noticed was a black pirate ship and plenty of onion peels covering the ground. Draco was seen immediately by Gandalf, who ushered the dragon into the forest, where he could eat whatever he wanted except for the unicorns, which would be hard because, unlike deer, they fight back. Gandalf showed the Hokage, Kakashi, and Gai to their classrooms and accepted Sakura, Naruto and Kiba as early students, after all, he had done so with Merry and Pippin. But most of all, they least expected Rafiki to bring friends...

(Sorry, no 'meanwhile's this time!)


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It's a strange sight to see... A carriage pulled by creatures that you cannot see, but it's even stranger yet with a baboon, two lions, and mercat on the top of the carriage in question. It was strange even, in the wizarding world, which is where this particular group was heading.

Rafiki was getting annoyed. No, not just annoyed. _Rather_ annoyed. He sat on top of the strange carriage pulled by the strange stripeless zebras. He thought that he should call them InviZebras, but he knew they had a real name... something with a 'Th' in the beginning... But we're getting off-track...

_S: Wait... Where was I...?  
C: Scott, Rafiki... Annoyed...  
S: Ah, yes. Thank you Crowley. Rather annoyed._

Rafiki was rather annoyed with Timon and Simba. Amazingly, not Timon and Pumba. Pumba was in the carriage sleeping and farting quite a lot, which is why the two lions, mercat, and baboon were sitting on top. The stench was horrid...

_C:__Scott... Off-track again.  
S: Getting there! Geez... You Germans have no patience!_

Anyways... What I was _getting_ to... Simba and Timon were enjoying a ravish game of patty cake right behind Rafiki's head. In a flash, the monkey sage turned and began to beat the two senseless. But at that moment, Nala pointed out the Hogwarts Castle. Rafiki let out a murmur of relief in Swahili and Nala realized that he had said 'By my swollen, sweaty backside, we're finally here...' She cringed at the thought and tried to think of something pleasant, like the British owl she had had for dinner as a gift from Rafiki.

When they got to the door, the lions woke Pumba up, and with another loud toot, he got out of the carriage.

"Hey guys," Pumba began, "Why didn't you sit inside with me?" He looked so innocent and even had a voice to match.

"You smell, Pumba." Timon told his friend brutally, "You smell _bad_."

With a huff of agreement, Rafiki banged on the big entrance door to the castle, which was answered by a large suit of armor with an over-sized head.

"Oh great." It said, "More stupid animals. How dreadful. At least their not human..."

Rafiki began shouting and trowing his arms in the air hysterically as he entered the huge school.

Nala walked in with dignity, while Simba tried the same and failed, because he tripped over a large yellow mouse with an onion. He turned around and growled at the fat... thing. He was hungry.

"Be careful," the suit of armor said in a bored tone of voice. "It will roast your whiskers."

Timon rode in on Pumba, who was still stinky and recovering from the rude remark, when upset, he only gets smellier.

Soon, Gandalf ran in to greet the newly arrived teacher, but fell from surprise when the wave of the odor slammed into his hook nose. He got up quickly muttering, "That's worse than Sid and Gollum both!"

He grabbed Rafiki and rushed him off to the Potions Dungeon, leaving a big-headed robot to deal depressingly with the animals.

Meanwhile... (the 'meanwhiles' are back!)

Yoda was limping down the hall with Bastet when all the sudden, the roof above him exploded. And a green blur came down to where the old Jedi Master was standing. Bastet gasped, jumped back, and hissed, raised the hair on her back (not quite in the order) and looked as a tall green man stood up . And seemed almost timid.

"Master Yoda, you grew!" She said, blinking, "You grew alot!"

"What!?" The green man said, "Who is this Master Yoda?"

Bastet stood up, looking confused until the green man flew into the wall.

"Yoda, I am," The little green man said, "Intelligent, you are not." He said to both Bastet and the green (now angry) man who will be later introduced as Piccolo.

Bastet looked helpless. "I'm running out of dolphins here," she said, "Could somebody please explain to me what the _desert-dust_ is going on?"

The man who is to be introduced as Piccolo decided to introduce himself as Piccolo, "My name is Piccolo." He said.

Bastet laughed at the narrator and-

_C: Scott. You are one stupid American._  
S: _I know, and you are an impatient German.  
C: Just keep writing... Americans...  
_

Bastet laughed at the narrator an-

_C: Scott! I'm here, too!  
S: Geez, how many times are you going to interrupt this chapter!?  
C: I'm German, I'm allowed to.  
S: Fine! How about you narrate this from now on!?  
C: ... ... Teehee.  
_

Bastet laughed at the narrators (again) and realized that it was an awful pun that was made many interruptions ago, so she stopped. But while this cheesy hilarity occurred, Piccolo and Yoda had begun to fight. Piccolo shot energy balls at Yoda, who reflected them with his lightsaber. Bastet decided something must be done, and she was the most powerful entity in the room, so she began to throw onions at them.

_S: And you said I was stupid!?  
C: What? Onions are lethal!  
S: How so?  
C: What else can make a grown man cry?  
S: ... Your logic is strange... And foreign.  
C: Don't make our comments longer than the story!  
S: Fine... I'll take it from here agian._

So... A Egyptian cat goddess was throwing onions at two fighting green aliens in a medieval-style castle, which you should be used to by now. This wasn't a bad idea because just as Yoda and Piccolo were covered in onions, Pikachu hopped into the room.

"PIKA!" The mouse screeched angrily, thinking that two weird green men had gotten into his onion stash. So the cute yellow Pokémon shouted again and a bolt of lighting struck both fighters, causing them to smell like roasted onions, which was a lot better than Pumba... Or Sid... Or Gollum for that matter. Then, Gandalf, who had been running around all day trying to figure out who was going to teach the Dueling class, heard the noise, smelled the onions and came towards them immediately. He grabbed Piccolo's arm.

"You! Do you want to teach a Dueling Class?"

"Uhh... I don-"

"Perfect!" Gandalf beamed, his pipe puffing rapidly, "The school term starts tomorrow."

_S: Heh... Sorry about the comments. Crowley's fault.  
C: No, it is not!  
S: Yes it was...  
C: No it wa-  
S: SO! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! The next one will be heading your way soon!_

_  
C: Was not!_


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

It was the day that every student in Great Britain had been waiting for. Finally, they could get up early in the morning again. Finally, half of their day was already planned for them again. Finally, they would sit in classrooms again, pretending to listen to teachers about something they were never going to need in their entire life, building paper planes instead.

For the wizard part of Great Britain? Same thing.

The biggest problem the school faced on the first day was to find fitting uniforms for two full grown lions, two not-so-full-grown hobbits, a mercat and a warthog. The second was keeping those lions from eating the tiny first-years who knew no magic to defend themselves. The third was making sure the the students who were at Hogwarts last year didn't attack any of the new teachers because their favorite had... Uh... Died. Passed away... Kicked the bucket... Bit the dust... Rode the escalator to heaven. You get the point.

_C: Scott...  
S: Teehee.  
C: Sheesh..._

Other than those large issues, the first day went soundly. Bastet took McGonnagal's place at the Sorting Feast. Of the... Imported students, Nala, Simba, Timon, and Pumba went to Gryffindor of course, Merry and Pippin went into Hufflepuff, and Gollum Gandalf found him hiding on top of a Quidditch hoop went into Slytherin. Sakura went into Ravenclaw and the Sorting hat, after much trouble, found Naruto had rarely any thoughts to read, but he did have an interesting conversation with a Nine-Tail Fox demon inside of him, who promised the hat glory after the end of the earth, so they were sent into Slytherin. As soon as the hat was placed on Kiba's head, the hat yelled out, "DOG!" And Kiba smiled. Little did the hat know, Under Kiba's hood, Akamaru, Kiba's trusted dog, laid sleeping. Because of Akamaru's thoughts, they were sent into Gryffindor.

Once everyone was in their places, the feast began, but because Gandalf wasn't used to making the food appear, it took him forty-two tries. When it did, The lions jumped up on the table, only to get a glare from the newly-robed baboon, so they sat back down. However, the sorting hat wasn't put away.

Gandalf stood from his place, "Now, students. For the first time since that old lady that turned into a cat came here, we will be choosing all four new House Heads!"

Student roared, some in protest, some in joy. A lot of Slytherin's didn't like Snape, but Malfoy and his idiotic friends simply scowled as every teacher stood.

"But first," Gandalf began, "We must introduce our new teachers, but beware, some bite, I'm not talking about the cats or the baboon." He gave Jack Sparrow a rigid glare, "First, we have your new charms teacher, Master Yoda." One cheer came from a fat Ravenclaw with intense acne in the back, who screamed something about the 'Third Episode', whatever that was...

"Next, we have two wonderful sisters from Egypt. Bastet, the Runes teacher and Nurse, and Sekhmet, the new Transfiguration."

Fred and George screamed, "Can we be in your classes!?" Gandalf, who heard neither boys continued:

"We have Professor Hatake," The old wizard said, "the new Defense Agianst the Dark Arts teacher."

"Are you a werewolf!?" A Slytherin yelled.

"No." Kakashi replied coolly.

"Are you a fake!?" A Hufflepuff yelled.

"No."

"Do you have an evil wizard underneath your turban!?" Harry Potter demanded.

"No. I don't have a turban, _baka_."

"Are you a fat woman who makes student write in their own blood!?" Malfoy asked hopefully.

"Uhh... No."

"Are you famous!?" A Gryffindor asked.

"Yes."

"Will you make love to me!?" A heart-struck seventh-year Hufflepuff asked. She will be introduced later.

"Wow... Uh... I'll think about it." Kakashi said, then he turned to Tsunade and whispered, "What the devil is wrong with these kids?"

Tsunade shrugged and realized that Gandalf was introducing her as the Divination teacher. She smiled crookedly and took another gulp of sake. She realized she was wasted, so she drank some more.

"Professor Might," Gandalf continued, "will be our new Quidditch Coach."

"Alright!" The flamboyant ninja yelled with a thumbs ups, then he turned to Marvin and asked, "What's QUIT-ITCH? Is it some kind of lotion?"

"No. It's dreadful, that's what it is." Marvin replied. Gai gulped.

Gandalf ignored all the conversations that were going on behind him, which was probably quite a clever thing to do. "And this is Professor... Marvin. He will teach the subject of History of Magic."

"Uggh, we hate that..." somebody from the Hufflepuff table shouted.

"So do I," Marvin said gravely. "So do I."

"Professor Colin will teach Astrology." Gandalf said, "But beware... He's very-"

"I LOVE IT!" The little robot shrieked, "I love it all! I love everything!"

"... Anyway, for the Librarian position, we have Professor, uh, _Captain_ Jack Sparrow."

"I WILL BARE YOUR CHILD!" Cho Chang yelled from the Ravenclaw table, "I go to the library enough!"

"Cho! You never go to the library!" Hermione said. She wanted Jack just as much as Cho did.

"I do now..." She whispered. Jack's only comment to this was "Where's the rum?"

"Also, we have Professor Piccolo-"

"KA-MAI-HA-MAY-HA!" A random student shouted. Piccolo chuckled.

"-Teaching Dueling. And Professor Rafiki teaching Potions." The old wizard finished. Rafiki had fallen asleep while leaning on his staff humming 'The Circle of Life.'

"AND NOW!" Bastet shouted, "We will sort four who were best chosen to be House heads to where they should go!" She smiled devilishly and called the four names given to her on parchment, which was an update from the papyrus she had used all her life. "Sekhmet! Rafiki! Yoda! Marvin! Please come forward." The four lined up behind the stool.

Bastet placed the hat on her sister and it yelled out, "KITTIES GO TO GRYFFINDOR!" Sekhmet blushed but bowed as Fred and George roared in triumph.

When Bastet placed the hat on Rafiki's head it thought for a second. "CRAZY MONKIES GO TO HUFFLEPUFF!" He laughed and jumped up.

As Bastet bent over to place the hat on Yoda's balding green head, she was surprised by yet another set of triumphant roars from Fred and George.

"LITTLE GREEN PEOPLE GO TO SLYTHERIN!" The hat yelled.

"Ha!" Malfoy stood, "It seems we have a mascot!" Yoda closed his eyes as Bastet cringed.

"Not wise..." Yoda said, lifting a hand, using the force to place a rather large turkey onto Malfoy head, where it fit surprisingly well as Malfoy's head slipped into the turkey. "While so weak in the force, mock me, one should not." The entire school laughed.

Malfoy ran... or tried to run out of the Great Hall, but failed as he slammed into a pole and turkey bits went everywhere. He was knocked out cold.

Yoda laughed.

_C: Mwahaha...  
S: Indeed, my friend. Mwahahaha.  
C: Turned to the dark side, he has.  
S: No. Not yet... But soon enough..._

Piccolo suddenly had a new kind of respect for his little twin.

"I guess this leaves Marvin as the Ravenclaw head, then," Bastet stated calmly, as if one of her students hadn't just rammed a pole with a turkey on his head. "What do you say, Marvin?" Colin asked, bobbing around excitedly in the air in front of the larger robot. "Isn't that amazing?" "Absolutely atrocious," Marvin replied.

Gandalf desperately tried to get the crowd's attention back to himself again by clicking the spoon against his goblet of sake. His attempt failed because the students were way too busy taking snap shots of the unconscious Malfoy, or discussing their new teachers. Especially Bastet and Sekhmet, on the boys part, who liked them very much, and on the girls part, who liked themselves better.

"Quiet!" Gandalf said in a deep, dark, voice, and all of a sudden the hall became dark and you could hear drums in the back ground. "They're coming," Merry whispered, but everyone else shut their pie-holes quickly.

"I have another important announcement to make," He continued in that deep, dark voice.

"Maybe you should take the special effects out first," Marvin said in apparent boredom.

"Oh, right," Gandalf smiled sheepishly and the room returned to normal, along with his voice.

"We want to make this year interesting for you, and so we decided on a special treat right before the summer holidays."

"Additional Quidditch games!" Oliver Wood shouted through the hall.

"You will find Snape and kill him!" Harry suggested.

"Moaning Myrtle is tortured in public!" Sir Nicholas yelled.

"Queen will perform at the end of the term banquet!" Could be heard from Ron.

"Captain Jack Sparrow will perform a strip tease!" Cho Chang and Hermione said in unison.

Captain Jack Sparrow snapped to attention and he hummed delightfully at the last suggestion.

"Nothing of the sort," Gandalf said, smiling slightly. "No, we will have a talent show at the feast before summer. Every student, and even every teacher, who wants to compete, can practice over the year and then perform an act of some kind. It can be a song, dance, poetry reading, whatever you like. The judges will be Professors Marvin and Colin, and Hagrid's newest pet, Pikachu. Have I forgotten any rules? Ah yes: Don't cheat. That's it. You may be released when you are finished eating. Or, when you wake up," he added, gesturing in Malfoy's direction.

_S: Haha! Cliffhanger!  
C::tries to imitate hanging on a cliff::  
S: ... Uhh... Not that kind...  
C: Oh. ::lets go and falls::_


	8. Talk Show EXTRA

**The Late Late Late Early Show!**  
with Crowley and Scott

* * *

There was a band playing (not eating) _Chop Suey!_ on the set as the lights came on. The set was simple, a long desk, behind which two teenagers sat, two comfy sofas on each side of the desk, and a few randomly placed potted plants in the middle of the floor. Behind the hosts, the two teenagers, was an obviously fake scene of the Hogwarts castle. It could easily be seen as a fake, as it was a picture taken from _above_ the castle. Around the scene, there were four tapestries, one for each Hogwarts House. The band stopped playing for a moment as one of the teens looked as if she was going to speak.

"Guten Tag!" One of the teens greeted the viewers, "And welcome to The Late Late Late Early Show! My name is Crowley." In case you haven't figured it out by now, Crowley is a girl. A girl with short, blond hair, lime green eyes, and thin-framed black glasses. She also wore what seemed like a maroon slightly formal dress, but the viewers couldn't tell if it was a top or the entire outfit, because you couldn't see her legs. "This is Sco-"

She was shoved rather rudely as the other host nudged her in the side with his elbow, "Scott!" He gave Crowley a slight glare but went on. He had thick square-ish black glasses, black straight hair with hunter green streaks, and piercing blue eyes. He had a black suit jacket, but no dress shirt. In it's place there was a shirt with the words '_I :heart: MY SIBERIAN HUSKY_'. It stood out with it's neon blue and black... -ness. His hand had thin black gloves that stopped at the bases of his fingers. He grabbed a shit of paper. He then, with wide eyes, changed the spelling of '_shit_' to '_sheet_'. He looked at the paper and smiled.

"Today, we have a few special guests for you all." Scott and Crowley said in creepy unison, which happened with a scary frequency. They then began to head bang as the band played again, but only for three seconds. The band stopped when they realized they were quite too mature for this sort of thing... That, and Darth Vader bumped into the lead singer on accident.

"Anyway," Crowley began, "Let's bring in our first guest..." The light dimmed and a spotlight became focused on the door, and as '_Dude Looks Like a Lady_' began to play. "GANDALF!"

The old man looked confused as he was violently given a little nudge out onto stage by a strange cat lady, but quickly caught his dignity. He unsteadily glided to the nearest seat, but had to cross the stage to find it as the lights returned to normal.

"Hello, Gandalf!" Scott began, "Do you mind if I call you Gandy?"

"Uhh... I kinda hate that nam-"

"Perfect, Gandy!" Crowley began humming some random song about candy, "So, since you've been at Hogwarts as the headmaster, what changes have occured?"

"The weather." He said timidly with defiance, "But there was this time that-"

"VERY WELL!" Scott shouted with unnecessary amounts of volume, "We will now introduce our next guest:" The lights dimmed again as the band began to play '_My Humps_' and Bastet graciously came out, but tripped on a random potted plant placed in her path.

"Whoa!" Scott yelled and he shot up to help her up. She was wearing a rather loose dress and this is, after all, rated Teen.

Bastet looked up to the boy helping her. She noticed his eyes, awesome hair, and stylish glasses and thought one word. _Sex. _She slowly stood up and even more slowly brushed her breasts against him. Crowley cleared her throat to remind them about the rating. She looked down and blushed.

Scott looked at Bastet. He noticed her silky black hair, tan Egyptian skin (she can change when wants fur or not), and bright yellow eyes and thought one word. _Klutz._ He led the clumsy cat to the seat next to her father-figure.

"Grandpa Gandalf!" She said, smiling, sharp teeth shining beautifully, "How are you doing?"

"Well," He replied, "Lately I've-"

"Hey, Scott!" Bastet asked, moving next to her favorite host (_Such_ a competition), "How old are you? You know that sixteen is legal where I come from!"

"I'm eighteen." He said, playing with the almighty cat's emotions, "And that's legal even here." When he said that, Bastet's already starstruck eyes went wider. Once again, she thought the word '_Sex._' This time, Scott thought two words, '_Target Spotted_.'

"You shouldn't do that," Crowley whispered quietly in Scott's ear, but she just couldn't help grinning. She knew what Scott was thinking. It's part of being an author.

After a short awkward silence, Scott jumped on the desk, took his jacket off with haste (No, he's not stripping... yet) and jumped to the ground as Bastet and half the girls in the studio audience fainted. Crowley slapped her forehead in shame as_ 'Summer Jam' _Kicked in... And I mean the _kicked in._ He jumped off the desk and began to dance in a sexual manner. He moved his hips forward and back in sync with his back to make it seem as if his body was a backwards snake. When the part of the song that had a voice came, Scott grabbed a microphone out of nowhere and began to sing. His voice flowed to the backstage area, where Darth Vader was ready for this situation.

The heavily-cloaked, masked, dark Jedi grabbed a tranquilizer gun and shot Scott three times with Rohypnol darts. In five seconds, Scott fell to the ground.

"Aww..." A misguided fangirl called out, "He's sleeping!"


	9. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

After staying up late at the feast - it had taken longer than usual, mainly because everybody wanted to greet their new teachers personally, knock on Marvin's head to make sure it _really_ was metal, play pranks on the drunken Tsunade, and drool over either Jack and Kakashi or Bastet and Sekhmet... Anyway, after staying up late at the feast, nobody had an intention of getting up early the next morning.

Fred, George and their new partners in crime, Timone and Pumba, walked down the stairs to the common room two hours late, which was early for them. They found their schedules on one of the small tables and saw that they had just missed their first class with Sekhmet.

That disappointment almost made them go back to bed.

But when Pumba noticed their next class was going to be History of Magic, they all smiled wickedly. That would be almost as interesting... almost.

They arrived at the classroom just before Marvin slouched depressingly through the door. The four sat down quietly (by their standards) with the other students and waited for Marvin to say something.

Which took him a while.

Eventually they figured he would not use his speech processors in the nearest future, so they might as well ask a question.

"So... uh... where is Professor Binns?" George asked carefully.

"All the teachers are dead, remember?" Marvin replied, noticing that he was the one addressed.

"Yes, but Professor Binns was already... dead," Fred explained. "He was a ghost."

There was an annoyingly shrieking voice from the background. It belonged to a small, reeking creature that definitely didn't belong into this time period, a creature from an earlier phase of the brain evolution, or, in other words, Sid. He had sneaked his way into the classroom, closely followed by Scrat whose eyelid was twitching madly with fear.

But I was talking about the voice. It was shrieking "Plot hole, Plot hole, Plot hole!! Ha ha, you didn't think about that, did you? Plot hole!"

A big dark spaceship appeared in front of the window and the theme of the Imperium started to play. Darth Vader was standing in front of Scott, who looked as stunning as ever, and Crowley, whose pants you still couldn't see because of the fog coming out of the ship at waist level.

In a deep voice, accompanied by the rasping sound of his breathing, the Sith said slowly: "Sid... I warned you... Do not insult the authors _ever _again... The next time they will send the Emperor... and by the way... I am not your father... thank the Force..."

With that, he stepped back into the spaceship. Crowley and Scott grinned, did a hi-five, and then followed him.

"That. Was. Interesting." George exclaimed with wide eyes.

As if nothing had happened, Marvin went back to answering the original question, which even the authors have forgotten by now.

Oh yes.

Why Professor Binns had left.

"When he saw all the other teachers dying, he finally accepted his own... not-lively existence and went to visit his family in Transylvania. That's what they told me. But don't bother believing it," Marvin went on, "I don't think anybody would tell _me_ the truth. After all, I'm just his replacement in one of the most important subjects in this school. And, by the way, clearly the most intelligent creature in this spiral arm of the galaxy. And here I am, with a brain the size of a planet..."

"Yup, we can see that..." Fred muttered and went back to sleep.

But in Timone's opinion, his very first day of school ever proved to be a lot more interesting than chasing vultures over the savanna.

Meanwhile... actually a little bit earlier, but no one's going to notice that.

Naruto, Merry, and Pippin went to their first class after trying on their new school uniforms. Or to put it better, lack of their first class. They had a free period. However, because they didn't know anyone that had a free period or any teachers that had a free period, they just walked to the library, which was a last resort.

There, they met with Hermione and Cho Chang, who were drooling over the new librarian. Naruto laughed and thought of something far more devious than Merry or Pippin could have ever planned on their own, for it didn't involve thievery or explosions. He stared at Captain Jack and wondered what form he would use. When he figured what body, he jumped out from behind the closest bookshelf, startling the hung-over pirate.

"Sexy no Jutsu!" Naruto yelled and smoke covered him, making it impossible to see him. However, when the smoke cleared, Naruto wasn't there... At least not in a recognizable form.

A girl in long blond pigtails, a perfect '36-24-36' body, a short-cut schoolgirl Slytherin outfit (loose tie and all) and tiny black ribbons that held her hair in the amazingly stunning, cute, and sexual hairstyle. She blinked and blew Captain Sparrow a kiss, but little did she... or he... know, Cho and Hermione both pulled out their wands.

"This is the only time I'll help you, Cho." Hermione told her rival for the librarian.

Cho's response was simple, "Agreed."

Naruto walked between the angry girls and closer to the stunned Jack Sparrow, "Konichiwa." Naruto said in a seductive tone of voice.

"'Ello, love." Jack said, his first words to any student. Naruto touched Jack's forehead and smiled. But before he could say anything else, the sexy girl exploded and was left with an embarrassed blond boy with whisker marks in his boxers, which were blue with orange specks. He yelled and used a transformation jutsu to put his clothes back on. He turned around and put his hands together. With a poof of smoke beside him, a second Naruto appeared, astonishing Hermione, who had never seen anything like spell casting by hand signals and no wand from a first year. Heck, she had never seen a first year cast a successful spell without any of her help.

While Hermione was wondering, Cho noticed a blue twirling mass in his hand. Then the clone tapped it and it grew. Naruto jumped in the air and screamed, "RASENGAN!" He thrust the blue orb at the girls, but missed and hit the wall, which blew out instantly. He fell three floors.

Kiba, whose first period was Library Aid, laughed at Naruto's jutsu, the girl's reaction, and Naruto's reaction to the reaction. Kiba is complex in his own simple way. Akamaru trotted up to him with a message tied to his collar.

"What!? 'Get on with the story,' I can't believe it!" Kiba grumbled to himself. Akamaru barked in laughter.

Meanwhile... Giving Kiba time to himself.

"Alright students!" Kakashi called out as he walked into the classroom, "Let's get this show on the road!" He had exchanged his usual standard Konoha ninja gear for a set of blue black and silver robes. He still had this mask, which was changed to match the slight patterns in blue fabric in the robe.

"Professor Hatake!" The love-struck Hufflepuff from the night before called out. She will now be introduced as Scott foretold. Her name was-

_S: I foretold it?_

_C: Yes... in Chapter Six._

_S: ... Oh. Cool._

"Professor Hatake!" The love-struck Hufflepuff from the night before called out. She will now be introduced as Scott foretold. Her name was Eve Seve. She had long silky brown hair that fell to her waist. She sat with perfect posture as her voice carried about the room, "Professor Hatake! Half the period's passed already..."

Kakashi looked at her with a kind, yet hidden, smile, "Ah, I was coming, but a black cat crossed my path so..." He went on into a vibrant story about how he kept falling off the Moving Stairs and was attacked by a tiny gold ball with wings, so he grabbed it and chunked it out the window, where Gai chased after it while on a broom and in his own green set of robes.

Eve looked at her teacher with a glare made of both admiration and disappointment.

Meanwhile.

The teenagers in Harry's and Ron's charms class had quickly established a new seating order. For a very simple reason – there was a new student, and nobody wanted to sit next to him.

Pumba didn't even notice he had to sit in a "corner", which was a quarter of the entire room.

Everybody was chatting excitedly. This lesson was going to be interesting. After all, their new teacher had shown his skills clearly enough at the feast the night before. But now he wasn't showing up, which disappointed them a little bit.

"Do you think he can really teach this class?" Hermione asked sceptically.

"Who cares?" Harry said.

"Yeah, I wouldn't need charms class if I knew how to stick somebody's head in a turkey!" Ron said enthusiastically.

"I heard he is the grandfather of the other one, the tall green man," Parvati Patil said, and nobody dared to argue with her.

"I heard they are twins," Neville explained in a small voice, and nobody believed him.

"I heard he is half toad and half owl," Pumba said from out of his corner, and nobody paid attention.

Because all of a sudden, the door opened now and Professor Yoda entered the room. He walked slowly, leaning on his cane, and needed almost two minutes to cross the room, but the students didn't say a word, as well-behaved (and scared) as they were.

Finally, he reached the front desk, stood behind it, realized he was too short to look over it, stepped in front of it, thought that was stupid, and then jumped on it using the Force, somehow maintaining his dignity all this time.

"Students" he said. "Your lightsabers, take out!"

There was a pause.

"What's a life saver?" Neville asked carefully. He was the only one who dared to admit he didn't know what the teacher was talking about.

"Misunderstood me, you have," Yoda clarified. "Lightsabers, I called for."

"Okay, what's a lightsaber, then?" Lavender Brown asked.

Yoda was losing his patience. But since this is a fanfiction, he was not bound to the Jedi Code and had the right to do that. "What is it, that take out, you do?"

"Our wands," almost everybody shouted at once. Except for Pumba who had no idea what all this was about.

"So be it. Your wands, take out!"

_S: That sounds so dirty._

"Now, the force use to lift the Ewoks, placed under your desks I have, that noticed until now, you have not". The students needed a couple of seconds to mentally put the sentence into correct grammar, and a couple more to catch its meaning.

"Aaah!!!"

Now that half the students were gone, the room seemed a lot bigger, and some used the opportunity to get a few more feet between themselves and Pumba.

After the shock of the little furry monkey-things being under each desk, the students began to wonder-

"What in the _hell_ is the Force!?" Harry yelled, pulling an Ewok off his leg.

Yoda turned to glare at the boy, "Know of the Force, you do not!?" He looked around the room for a suitable punishment, "Go! Sit with the warthog, you must!" He scanned the room again and realized that no one had any clue what he was talking about, "Stop. Needed not, this punishment is."

Harry released a huge sigh of relief as Yoda explained the Force in three sentences:

_S:"YO, the force is the meaning of life, BIOTCH! It's what keeps you little hoes alive and makes me yo daddy! Real pimps use it as they please, word slut-daddies!?"_

_C: Scott!_

_S: What? I wanted to write a little about Yoda, too..._

_C: MY PART! Sit with the warthog!_

Harry released a huge sigh of relief as Yoda explained the Force in three sentences:

"What holds the galaxy together, the Force is. Life to every creature, it gives. When train and concentrate, you do, use it to help you with your personal actions, you can."

To demonstrate this, he closed his eyes. His long, green ears twitched as he reached out for the Force in his mind to slowly lift a heavy, smelly, surprised warthog into the air.

There was another pause-

_C: Silence._

_S: Cricket sounds._

_C: Dust blowing across the street._

_S: Close-up on the face of... Pumba._

_C: His eyes narrowing..._

_S: Our next project is going to be a movie script._

There was another pause.

And then, Harry broke the silence, speaking for everybody else.

"That is _so_ cool."

"Thank you," Yoda said smiling, and dropped Pumba to the floor.


	10. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The duelling room was packed.

Those students of Piccolo's first two periods that had come back from his class unharmed were so excited that others made fun of them behind their backs, usually whispering references to Colin. But they were curious anyway and wanted to know what was so great about this quiet green giant. So by the time of his third period the Namekian's room was filled not only with his regular students but also with at least forty-two others who either had an off-period or were skipping.

All were chatting enthusiastically, wondering where "that beanstalk" had gone (and not noticing that he was actually hovering close to the ceiling watching the teenagers). Their wands were already out.

_S: Tha-..._

_C: And don't say it sounds dirty! How else am I supposed to say that?_

...They already had their wands ready for whatever new spells and curses they were going to learn, although most of them had noticed in their previous classes that their new "competent" teachers didn't even know what wands were, let alone what to use them for.

Neville was teasing Simba and Nala, who tried in vain to perform simple spells even _ he _could do. Every time they tried, they dropped the wand. "These sticks are not made for paws!", Nala complained. "Who needs a piece of wood anyway?" Simba said arrogantly. "We have claws and fangs, after all!" "I wish I had some", Neville answered glumly. "You want longer teeth and fingernails? That can be helped!", Malfoy, who had been listening, grinned evilly and raised his wand to put a curse on Neville.

Piccolo rolled his eyes. Those annoying kids. After a sigh he soared downwards with a small swooshing sound and landed right between Neville and Malfoy. "Look, boy, what you're doing is completely wrong", he said, talking to the Slytherin student, who was now slightly scared but determined not to let it show. Neville gave a sigh of relief. The teacher was going to defend him.

"What you do is point your finger at your enemy – or... your... " he gave Neville an almost pitiful look "...your victim, and release your energy all at once. Like this" he said, not even turning around to Neville but rather pointing his finger somewhere behind his back in a lazy gesture. A flash of light erupted from the fingertip and hit Neville right in the chest. He fell on his back without making a sound.

"See. This way you don't have to bother with little wooden sticks".

Malfoy gulped and nodded slowly. Then a devilish grin started to spread on his face. It looked like he had found his new favorite teacher.

Meanwhile, down in the dungeons.

The students, among them Hermione, Harry, and Ginny, watched Rafiki intensely as he half ran, half danced through the underground classroom, inspecting Snapes stock of potion ingredients. Some of the things he seemed to like and he carried them to the front of the room, putting them on or next to the teachers desk. Everything that was useless in his eyes, most of them things he didn't like the smell or the color of, he smashed on the floor or threw them into a corner.

"What is he doing?" Hermione whispered. "That was _dragonblood!_ Does he even know how valuable that is?"

Ginny snickered. "I doubt it."

"And I doubt that he cares", Harry added.

This very moment Rafiki seemed to be done with organizing and faced his students. "Now", he said. "Would everyone please get their shiny melon-halves?" Nobody moved.

"I think he means our cauldrons", Harry grinned and the amused teenagers began to put them up next to their desks.

"Wonderful", Rafiki beamed, showing a frightening number of pointed teeth. "Now, you will each mix a bottle of _ this _with a flask full of _that_. Then you will add a handful of _these _and stir them for... stir them until I say stop."

They continued to follow instructions of this kind for about an hour with the vague confidence that the monkey knew what he was doing. Their potion went from a light blue color over purple to dark green, and the students' mood became better by the minute. Potions class had never been so easy.

"I think our time is almost up" Rafiki said. "Would you please each swallow a big spoonful of your potion?"

They hesitated, not _fully_ trusting a professor who had more grey hairs than Dumbledore. But he smiled and said kindly "It is okay. It should not harm you." Everyone took a big gulp of the now neon orange fluid in their "shiny melon-halves". It was silent for a minute when they all waited for something to happen. Finally, a tiny Hufflepuff boy spoke up. "So... what is the effect of this potion, sir?"

Rafiki started laughing loudly. "Effect? I don't think it has one. But it tastes delicious, doesn't it?" They were stunned for a moment. Then they all started giggling until the dungeon walls echoed with their laughter.

Hermione groaned and banged her head on the desk.

Not meanwhile, but later.

The disadvantage of Astrology class was its lack of flexibility concerning the scheduling, which some students found disturbing due to its placement in the later hours of the day.

_S: That sentence is way too complicated_.

_C::sighs and rewrites it for idiots::_

Astrology was taught at night.

It was past eleven when the students walked up to the Astronomy tower and they were all tired because of the long school day they had already had. Some had been injured during Defense Against The Dark Arts class. Others were still suffering from the disappointment of not having a class with Sekhmet or Bastet yet. And even those who had had a relatively good day – well, it was the first day of school.

All in all, the students were in a pretty bad mood when they climbed the stairs to the high tower. And the weather did nothing to cheer them up. It was raining slightly, they had no shelter of the cold wind, and no stars could be seen.

Their teacher had a completely different view of things.

"Welcome to your first lesson of this exciting subject" Colin beamed at them. "Isn't this a glorious night? Oh, we are going to have so much fun! I love all of you already!"

"That is not mutual" came a voice from the back of the class who was now huddling closely together on the high rooftop. The remark was followed by a murmur of agreement.

"Wonderful" Some of the lights on the robot were flashing and the students concluded it was probably his way of smiling broadly. "Now, let us start the lesson! As you can see, there are not many of the beautiful blinking lights you call stars in the lovely sky tonight, because it is amazingly clouded! But that doesn't matter, we will stay outside and enjoy the pleasant breeze and the incredible absence of warmth."

The students gave a howl of complain and shivered. The rain became heavier.

"We don't like robotses, do we, precious? No, we don't..." Everyone turned around to see where _that _had come from, including the teacher although with him the motion was not as obvious. About half the people jumped back in disgust.

"Who is that?" Eve Steve whispered.

_C: I just decided to increase her popularity a little._

_S: That's fine. I invented her, after all._

"You mean _what_ is that?" someone corrected her.

"We are a good person, aren't we, precious?" Gollum said, moving forward. "And we like nice little wizardses, yes we do. We would not harm them, no."

"Well, I'm not a 'wizards', I'm a 'witches' if you don't mind" Eve replied sternly, slapping Gollums thin hand away as he tried to pat her knee. His expression changed very suddenly. Before he had looked seemed like a beaten dog, now he looked like a cornered cat preparing for attack. And attack he did.

"Oh, we all like each other here", Colin cheered. "So it would be absolutely awesome of you not to, er, jump at her, if it doesn't make too many problems... and I think it is not such a pleasant sensation, the way you are clawing on her back... wouldn't it be even more courteous of you if you didn't, er, bite her arm like that...?"

"Move out of the way, cyberball, I'll show you what to do" came Malfoy's voice. He pointed his finger to where the long-haired girl and the... new student were fighting, and released his energy all at once. A flash of light erupted from the fingertip and-

"Oh really. Where did your creativity go, Crowley?" A very well-known smelly little creature was leaning casually against the wall surrounding the rooftop. "You cannot just copy sentences from earlier in the same chapter, hoping that nobody will notice... what will the readers think of you? If you have any, that is..."

The imperial spaceship was so dark that it could hardly be seen in the black night until its sliding doors opened and Darth Vader stepped off a platform onto the rooftop. "Sid... this is your final warning... you will never again insult the authors. Actually... since I'm here already... why not make my purpose clear?" He used to Force to lift Sid up into the air, over the edge of the rooftop, and then he carelessly dropped him from the high tower.

Then he stepped back into the spaceship and it flew off as if nothing had happened.

Malfoy was still standing still, aiming uselessly at Gollum and Eve who had long stopped fighting.

"That was marvellous", Colin squealed delightedly. "And I bet you all can't wait to go back to our excellent lesson!"

But the students just stood there in their drenched school uniforms, listened to a cybernetic ball babbling about stars, and silently suffered from boredom.


End file.
